Huge Fax: Dark Gable on the Barkley trade to Houston, Aug. 19, 1996

Dark Gable

Huge Fax of the Day, Monday, August 19, 1996

Toothfairy Van Smack:

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are...you know the song. The line that should have been added to that hymn is "Be careful what you wish for...because your punk ass just might get it".

Sir Charles was traded to Phoenix a long time ago from a city far, far away. It was Charles and his cast of nobodies, the lone crusader leading 11 cheesteak minions absolutely nowhere, except into abysmal mediocrity. The Chuckster asked for help and got none. He wished for a trade, and KAZAAM!...he got it. So Charlie headed west in the hopes of finding Gold with the help of 11 other Desert Necks...errrrr Phoenix Suns players. A funny thing though happened on the way to the promised land...errrr America West Arena. In wish #1 he forgot to ask for a big man, ergo wish #2...KAZAAM!...was granted with Joe FrankenKleine, Jake & the Fatman...err Kevin Johnson & Oliver Miller, and an R&B bassplayer who was moonlighting as a forward, but best of all a toupee wearing, 3 pt. brick mason with a tan. After an ill-fated appearance in the NBA finals, Charlie finally could see that his goal was in reach. He played harder, bitched louder and elbowed more Angolans than you can shake a stick at...yet alas, still no shiny jewelry to match his shiny cranium. He still had one more wish. What to do? What to do?

Wish #3 he had to use carefully. So after meditating and asking for divine inspiration, he thought to himself, "Matchmaker matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a big-man, catch me a catch"...and KAZAAM! it was granted. Charles finally got his big man and all is well in Sir Charles' court...except for one minor detail, NOW YOU HAVE NO POINT GUARD, YOU IDIOT! Having a big-man only means something when you have someone who can get you, said big-man and maybe a forward or two the ball. You don't ever pass, Hakeem is not going to pass to you out the block and Horry is not there to bail either of you out with a trey! You wasted your last wish, you'll never get a ring except for the stains left by your sweaty, ill-cleansed neck on your Nino Cerutti shirts and it warms my heart. You could've been a contender, you could've been one of the greats, but noooooooo....you had to go and frick it up. You moved from one neck burb to another. Houston was a champion WITHOUT you. And they just traded 2/3 of that championship team to get you. But don't fret Chuck, there'll always be a place on my couch for you to WATCH the finals like the rest of us.

Gable, Dark Gable